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Dreams. An odd word, isn't it? For it means two very different things. Dreams are your goals, your aspirations. They are also the visions that come to you in sleep. Why do we use the same word for them?

I am beginning to fear that my dreams are interfering with my dreams. I fear I may, in fact, be addicted to dreaming. I spend my life dreaming now, one or the other, asleep or awake: the two definitions wrestle with each other for control of me, like a rag doll, I am pulled back and forth, in and out, feeling nothing but stretched and shamed.

I am sick. I am damaged. I sleep. I truly think if I were to lie down right now and time was of no issue I could conceivably sleep forever. I am a warped sleeping beauty and this is no fairy tale. When I am awake, I never wish to sleep. For I know that the moment I do it will take me, and I will be at the mercy of my dreams. I will wrestle for sleep and it will fight me, but once it comes it will not let go, and I shall remain all day, dreaming, escaping. For in my dreams there is no chronic pain, there is no poverty. There is also no reward.

I have begun to feel pain in my dreams, something that is supposed to be an impossibility. Yet I do. Is this because more of my life is spent dreaming than awake? I often begin to tell someone what happened to me in my dreams last night, but I stop short. They won't understand, they won't see it like I do. Like I took a trip, like I'm recounting an anecdote. Because for me, dreams are the reality.

When I awake, the dream is of the utmost importance. I must recall it, must not let it go. But as I try to unravel its meaning, the tendrils of dreams dissolve around me like smoke. They don't make sense in this world. Once I dreamt that my soul was an apple. In my dreams, this made perfect sense. But when I awoke I was lost. I fear I may be in real danger of forgetting which is the dream. It takes me so long to come back to the world, back into myself, when I awake from dreaming. Most people spend seconds in that in-between place between dreaming and awake. I sometimes spend an hour. I used to love that place, used to hold onto it with all my strength. Now it holds fast to me.

Awake, I am lost in dreams of another sort. Endless planning, endless anticipation of a life I never do enough to achieve. I dream of being a writer, of making my world come alive. My waking moments are spent in the gardens of Gaerdon House, in the Forest of Firle. I want so desperately to make them real. To replace the maddening dreams that I cannot control with the beautiful ones that are at my command.

I beg you please, release me from these dreams - these lovely, fickle captors, drawing me in with false promises of a false life - and grant me my true dreams, the ones I live for when I break the chains of dreaming.
100% true, I'm sad to say. I would love your thoughts.

I guess this one goes along with these two, although this one is, I think, of higher quality and is written in first person.

[link]

[link]

This is NOT written from the perspective of my main character, Violet. It is written from my perspective, as the author. Though we do have much in common.

Submitted to the :iconrawem0tion: Theme: Reaching Your Goals.
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:iconmblameworthy:
MBlameworthy Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
I have always been with you, there in your dreams. I cannot help much, but know that I am also here when you come back. One foot in both worlds...... sometimes we need more feet....
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Professional Writer
I love you Mommie. Thank you. One of these days I'm going to re-work this into poem form. Is it normal for people to lead completely separate lives in their dreams? I'm not sure it is...

And yes, we need more feet. Especially me. :)
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:iconalec4u:
Alec4U Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2011  Professional Writer
Rain, this piece of prose pretty much somes up all my current worries in life. Especially, in regards to the achieving the career that I desperately yearn for, becoming a professional writer, an author. Publication feels like an unattainable dream at the moment, yet it pains me to think of any other path as I am not sure that they can provide the happiness or satisfaction that I aspire to have. With the end of university looming my dreams are becoming nightmares and are filled with mediocrity that harrows me to my core and instantly makes me give up on life. Then I wake up. I have so many doubts and insecurities in life and in my own writing, especially on websites such as this where I am surrounded by equal and more talented writers who are also unpublished, it is hard to tell which is the dream and which is the nightmarish reality. The longer it takes it seems that goal only moves further away.

Anyway, I'm sorry about that, it is just that I found your thoughts on Dreams deeply and personally affecting. Please take that as a compliment because I am not easily moved. You have written this so elequently, so succinctly. I could not write it better if I tried, instead I'll favourite this and pin it to my deviantart wall.

Thank you,
Alec:
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2011  Professional Writer
I'm sorry to hear it sums up your current worried in life. :( But thank you very much for the compliments. :)

Being a professional writer is a hard thing to achieve, but I know it's what I want, it's all I've really ever wanted career-wise and I'm not going to give up on it. I don't think you should either. You might have to have a "day-job" in the meantime of course, but you could aim for something that might get you connections and/or experience.

When I first arrived here I was overwhelmed too. You have to remember that a lot of writers here either are actually published, have no interest in being published, or else could be published but haven't tried yet. Not to be a snob, but I think I'm probably in that last category. I think if I put in the time and effort I could at least have some poems or something published in online magazines, but it's not where my focus is, so I don't do it.
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:iconreinahw:
ReinaHW Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011   Writer
I try not to sleep because of my nightmares of the abuse I suffered in my childhood. I rarely look forward to sleep.
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:iconarvenaperedhel:
ArvenaPeredhel Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I like your writing style... this almost sounds like something out of The Sandman, which in my book is always good.

On your subject matter - I understand and empathize. I spend my own days dreaming of what I would rather do, and what I want the world to be. For me it isn't something I can control. I need to be somewhere else, and so few people understand that.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011  Professional Writer
I understand that all too well. Glad you like my writing style. :)
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:iconyuzu2395:
Yuzu2395 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
hmmm . . .well i used to do tht alot, but once i wrote it down, me being in a dream land was no more,my eyes weren't clouded with terrible nightmares anymore,just me moving on from it, hopefully u could do the same :]
also very nice poem
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2010  Professional Writer
Interesting. I've thought about keeping a dream journal, but I can never hold onto them long enough! I could try harder, I suppose. I'm glad you liked it. :)
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:iconyuzu2395:
Yuzu2395 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
:]
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:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I enjoyed reading this very much.
I want you to know something about me. I suffer from night-terrors. I was supposed to have grown out of them when I was younger. They have some meds that I can take, however I don't. Believe it or not, I feel much safer in that horrid world of my dreams with my imaginary friend than in this one. So I understand your want to be a part of the world you have created, because even though my world is one of horror I still want to be part of it.
Yet at the same time I hope that they leave me.


Also, your not the only one you spends hours in that in-between place of sleep and waking.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Professional Writer
:hug: I'm so sorry. I've never had night terrors, but I've had panic attacks, and from what I hear, they're similar. Only night terrors are probably worse because it must be even more difficult to grab hold of reality and bring yourself down from the terror.

The riddle of the piece, of course, is which dreams I am referring to when. In truth, I wish I could leave the dreams that come from sleeping for the dreams that come from planning and working. This is what I want overall, of course, but it is not what I choose most often, sadly. The dreams are comforting, even when they are frightening. Fear does not wake me. If I start to cry, I wake up, but that takes quite a bit. Sometimes I awaken at night and just lay there, thrilled that the dream was not real. It takes a few minutes for this to sink in, and as I wrestle away from the dream, in that in-between place, I convince myself 20 times that it was, or was not, real, before I finally wake up.

Other times, of course, I awaken sad that the dream was not real. Other times it is just difficult to shake the dream off at all. I've had to call my mother before and ask her if I'm really awake, and have her help bring me back earth. My dreaming life is full. I get to do things there that I could never do otherwise. It is empowering and addicting.

I'm glad you enjoyed the piece, though rather sorry that you can relate.
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:icontouche15:
touche15 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
oh yes and i also know that the best thing for an author is when they know people can relate.....yes if i had read this a year ago i would relate =p
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:icontouche15:
touche15 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
if ur personally describing your feelings then i believe the trick is to merge your dreams with your nightmares..the fact your dreams are hurdles for your goals is also another form of dreams...this would be your nightmare..you know you have absolute and full control of your dreams...the ones you see when u sleep...use that control power to get your other dreams..don't let them control you.
other then that I'd say perfect use of personification and lovely expression..you got your point across =p
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Professional Writer
Hmm. Interesting suggestion. I never have control of my dreams. Either the ones I have while asleep, or the others. Sometimes I realize I'm dreaming and can't even force myself to wake up. It's like trying to climb through layers of mud or something. Creepy.

I'm glad you liked the piece. And I'm sorry you could relate...
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:icontouche15:
touche15 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
i dont dream..at all...either way..living the present..thanx for the llama =p
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Professional Writer
My husband doesn't dream either. He says he thinks its because his subconscious is awake when he is, so it sleeps when he does. No prob about the llama.
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:icontouche15:
touche15 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
thats actually a good story..my mom thinks its cuz the brain needs to sleep when when we sleep...but my brain is awake..sort of opposite

heey plleeaasse check out my worrrk =p
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2010  Professional Writer
Hmm....very interesting.
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:iconcaxe:
CaXe Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Ya know I read this as it's own individual piece and I have to say I really enjoyed it and found myself thinking of times in my life where I could definitely relate to what you were expressing.

Nice job. You have a great way with words :)
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Professional Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it, though sorry that you could relate.
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:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
-_-' I was looking at this as its own piece until the end of the second to last paragraph when you mentioned Gaerdon House. Now I have to re-read it.

Well, now I'm not really sure what to think of this piece. I can obviously tell there's a struggle between the speaker and the speaker's dreams. The voice, however, doesn't sound like lady Violet. I know exactly the part of the story that this would come from.

The disorientation you expressed from the speaker's perspective was contagious. As a reader, I feel confused and disoriented; and there's not really a resolution. Not a big fan of this piece, sorry :-/
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Professional Writer
Oh! I didn't realize people might think it was written from Violet's perspective! Sorry. No, this is from MY perspective, as the author. I know this piece, and the two linked ones, aren't as good as my regular work. They're just exercises. :shrug:

Yes, I know what part of the book this would have been in if it was from Violet's perspective. This whole life-imitating-art-imitating-life thing is getting a little out of hand. ^^;
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:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
lol, what was your goal in writing this?
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Professional Writer
Well, my DA account is about my art, right? So it's also about what keeps me from my art.

The other day I was thinking about how odd it is that the word "dreams" has two very different definitions. I have a lot of physical problems, chronic pain and health problems and an anxiety disorder. These things all contribute to my desire to mostly do nothing but sleep. But that desire conflicts heavily with my desire to achieve my dreams as an artist. I wrote this piece to express my feelings about my situation.
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:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
As an expression, I would say you definitely accomplished your goals. The piece read much like a dream after the introduction.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Professional Writer
Thank you!

It's supposed to be confusing to a certain extent. So that the reader feels like they too are trapped within the dream, while reading.
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:iconmellowghost:
mellowghost Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Well done. :)
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2010  Professional Writer
Thanks!
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:iconshroudedtempest:
ShroudedTempest Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I really liked this. It's intriguing, solemn and a little sad. This has left me thinking, which I love, because it means it will be remembered and not taken lightly. Not everything you read has this effect. I think your dreams need to evolve and transform into the present, which could slowly take away the numbing affect of reality. I can almost relate to this, I used to read romantic fantasy books (actually, I still do) but I used to believe that it was how the world was meant to be. When the realization that this wasn't true, i felt like I had been slapped, because the world inside our mind is perfect. Reality isn't perfect, but it's imperfectly perfect if you take the right steps in the right direction. I think your dreams might also be an affect of worry; worry that what you want for the future won't come true. These are just my opines on this piece, and the houghts that crossed my mind as I read it x
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Professional Writer
Thanks! It's cool that you liked it. I thought it was kind of clever. But yes, sad. I think your opinions are 100% correct. I worry a LOT. You're definitely right that if my present was more like my dreams for the future, I wouldn't feel the need to escape reality so much. I am trying, but it takes time.

It's funny you say that, about fantasy worlds being so perfect. My dad told me last night that it's sad that writers write because they are not content with the world around them, and seek to change it through their art. I think this is very true.

Anyway, thank you for your thoughts.
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:iconshroudedtempest:
ShroudedTempest Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome, and I think your Dad is right.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010  Professional Writer
Indeed.
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:iconskiniminni:
skiniminni Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You remind me of a friend. This is romantisised writing. I think these are true for you, because you wish it to be. You long to be different, have problems, be seperate. You long for comfort yet repell it like a child seeking attention.
just my veiws.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2010  Professional Writer
I really appreciate your honesty. You know, you don't have to read these ones if you don't like them. ;) I won't be offended. I know they're not as good as my actual work, but I think it helps to get my thoughts out, and it helps to just write something new every so often. After all, these are the issues that affect me deeply as an artist, so it seems appropriate for me to express them. Plus, as I've said, I'm bad at writing about myself so I'm trying to get better.

To an extent, yes, there is an element of self-pity. But I would pity anyone else in my situation as well. The whole spending more time asleep than awake wasn't a metaphor - I actually do. I am pretty messed up. I don't mind being different, but I don't enjoy having problems or being separate. I try not to repel comfort. I like it, of course, for who doesn't? And of course, I don't mind attention, but I never want to be seen as begging for it. And I worry about burdening people. But I'm pretty open, and I don't mind sharing my personal thoughts with others, if they're so inclined to read them.
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:iconskiniminni:
skiniminni Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I see.
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