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How To Read This Song

This is a love song between my two main characters and they're both singing it. Everything in italics is sung by Violet, the girl, and everything in bold is sung by Raven, the guy. Everything in normal text (ie the chorus) is both of them singing.

**************************************************

Okay, now that we've got that down, go read it and tell me what you think. Back? Okay then. Did you like it? For some context, both characters are mages. Raven controls ice and Violet controls fire. The story climaxes in winter. Their hands are scarred due to magic used against them.

General feedback: I worked on this FOREVER. It's not perfect, but I'm satisfied with it for now and wanted to share. But please, suggest/critique me if you wish. I'm pretty sure lyrics aren't supposed to have punctuation, or am I wrong? Do you see places where I could have used a better word? Places where the flow is interrupted?

I really love feedback, so don't be shy. :love: :worship: :heart: :eager:

Violet & Raven are characters in my book series.
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:iconaqureshi1:
Aqureshi1 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013
Wow....Senpai...this is amazing!
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:iconjessbrant2005:
jessbrant2005 Featured By Owner May 2, 2012
I've never read your novel, but the song makes complete sense to me. It also reminds me of a teen romance/horror book series called Wicked Lovely.

There are a couple places where the words don't really flow, but they might depending on the rhythm. But like I said, I never read your work, so you might not be able to change it without changing the meaning of the phrase.

Before their misted imprints fade, is a genius figure of speech, but I'm not sure how well it fits in with the rest of the stanza. Maybe that can be rearranged, but I'm not an expert, either.

As the white world casts its shadow now, This line has a little bit of a rhythm difference. But I don't really think that should be changed because it sets the chorus off from the versus.

I love this song and I wish I could write as well as this. My biggest problem is fitting my stanzas together in a way that they flow. Any suggestions?
**Jess**
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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012   Writer
I've featured your pieces here! [Along with: [link] [link] and [link] I'm not going to spam you with all those messages so I just consolidated. :giggle:]

:huggle:



:heart: Stephany
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012  Professional Writer
:thanks:
Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Professional Writer
:hug:
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:iconevlydia:
Evlydia Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2011  Student General Artist
It's so beautiful! :squee:

Only thing I don't understand is this "Your frosty touch..." That's Raven talking about Violet, and Violets power is fire not ice. Unless it wasn't supposed to reperesent that at all.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! :D

Yeah....the line is not perfect. She's a fire user, but her hands still get cold in the winter outside. That's what I meant, just that they're outside so her hands are cold. But it would be better if I could think of something else...
Reply
:iconkiki0145:
kiki0145 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
its a really pretty song! I would like ask if I could use this song in our band. Just for fun! Thank you! If you say no, its ok too!
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2011  Professional Writer
Oh my gosh, really? That would be beyond awesome. Just make sure you credit me though, okay? If you make a recording or a video please upload it and send me a link! :D
Reply
:iconkiki0145:
kiki0145 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure but were just beginners and not yet performers. Sry. So it will take a while if we'll record it. But thanx so much and sure we'll credit you!
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011  Professional Writer
That's fine. Just let me know if you ever do! :D
Reply
:iconits-ash-yo:
its-ash-yo Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2011
this is beautiful though i would LOVE to hear it in a tune :D
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! I would too...
Reply
:iconlovespoon:
Lovespoon Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011  Professional Writer
I liked it, although I have not read the book. I'm sure, I'd like it more after reading it.

My only suggestion is to go ahead and label it.

Her Verse:

His Verse:

Chorus:

See how I/we did it [link]


:heart:
:teddy:
lovespoon
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:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Featured: [link]
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2011  Professional Writer
:thanks:
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:iconkeeperskeep:
KeepersKeep Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Student Writer
This is beautiful! My favorite part:
"Your frosty touch
Ignites my soul
I burn for you, despite the cold."

Those lines sent chills down my spine.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Professional Writer
Yay! Thank you so, so much! :la:
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:iconthewriteexperiment:
TheWriteExperiment Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2011
Very, very good Indeed. :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! :D
Reply
:iconlarosaperlata:
larosaperlata Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
this poem touched me in a particular way. Writing with a rush, with a force that transports the reader! Very good!
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! That makes me very happy to hear. :love:
Reply
:iconlarosaperlata:
larosaperlata Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:rose:
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:iconpamba:
Pamba Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Featured: [link] :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconoctopusxtimexkeeper:
octopusxtimexkeeper Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I LOVE THIS! XD
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! :dance:
Reply
:iconoctopusxtimexkeeper:
octopusxtimexkeeper Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
and seriusly this is A LOT coming from a person who usually skips over word deviations to see the picture :D
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2011  Professional Writer
Well then I am doubly honored. :tighthug:
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:iconoctopusxtimexkeeper:
octopusxtimexkeeper Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome X3
Reply
:iconfrozen-city:
Frozen-City Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Once I have finished your novel, I'll come back to this one to see if I can look at it in a different way (but I'm pretty sure I will). As for now (without the book reference), it feels like blood on the snow (not in a dark way). Something as "visually" strong as blood on snow, something red, something passionate, something secret. Anyway, that means I like it a lot!! ;) And I'm desperately in love with this line from Violet :

"Let me devour
The words you said
Before their misted imprints fade".

Simply, breathtaking. :heart:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2011  Professional Writer
That would be cool! Then I can see like the "before and after" impressions. :D

That's a really neat visual! It's appropriate, though this IS supposed to be, like a happy song. :)

That's my favorite line, too. You might like it even more once you read chapter 12. ;)
Reply
:iconfrozen-city:
Frozen-City Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm so behind on everything here on DA (I've been a little preoccupied lately, so I haven't been around much). I'm sorry ^^;!! I still have to finish your book and give you feedback. :heart:
Reply
:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
OMG! That was amazing! Really. I loved it! I loved the chorus and parts fit and flow wonderfully! Fantastic!
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2011  Professional Writer
:la: Thank you! I'm so glad you like it. :D
Reply
:icontajii-chan:
Tajii-chan Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh, this is really amazing! :love:

I fell in love with this song the moment I read the first chorus. The different references that you use to compare between the fire and ice elements is very unique, and definitely planned very well! I love the layout of the song in general; the way it's divided both visually and in theme. I love how the lines correspond so well with the characters and their lines; it's really amazing! And once again, the way you visually portrayed that difference in the character's lines is very creative! It's very obvious from the first time you read those first lines- that you're a very skilled writer! Your choice of diction, your structure and your format.. it's all outlined beautifully!

And the characters and their love.. it was expressed so well in these lines! Although the song itself wasn't that long, its lines seem to carry on even when you're done reading- for me, I sang it aloud with this very slow moving tune that reminds me of winter. That could be because of the additional background story in the description ;D Whatever the case, it's a beautifully written song with amazing lyrics that are incredibly creative and suitable to each character and their element! Thank you so much for entering and good luck! :heart:

:glomp:
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2011  Professional Writer
Oh, wow. Thank you! :thanks: And thanks so much for your detailed comment. It really made me smile. I like the way it looks, too - with the bold and italics and all. I've never done that before, but I think it works well.

Oh my gosh...you sang it!? Well that just made my day. And a slow, wintry tune is pretty much perfect. :nod:

So happy you like it! :D
Reply
:icontajii-chan:
Tajii-chan Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're very welcome! :heart:

Ah yes; although I'm sure it would have sounded much better had it been someone a bit more talented singing!

Of course! :hug:
Reply
:iconshroudedtempest:
ShroudedTempest Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Well as you know, I have read your book and simply adored it... But this... This is.... I..... :iconiloveitplz:

Amazing! Absolutely amazing! There are no words to describe how much I LOVE this :iconomgsocuteplz:

Someday want to be able to write as brilliantly and as beautifully as this!!
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011  Professional Writer
Oh wow - thank you so much! :thanks: I'm so happy you like it! :dance:

You're a great writer! I suppose if you wanted to write something like this, just decide that you refuse to be embarrassed about anything. Then you can write really emotional, sappy, personal stuff without worrying about it. That's what I do. :shrug:

Plus, I do some fairly mean stuff to Violet and Raven in books two and three (mostly three), and so I felt like they deserved this. :heart:

Thanks for the :+fav: too! :hug:
Reply
:iconshroudedtempest:
ShroudedTempest Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome!

Thanks for the advice, I think I'm definitely my own worst critic haha

I still can't wait 'til you put the second book up on dA :D
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2011  Professional Writer
Ah, most people are their own worst critics.

It's coming, I promise. Right now I can't get scenes of book three out of my head, so that will probably spur me to finish book two faster.
Reply
:iconshroudedtempest:
ShroudedTempest Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Haha well I'm looking forward to it!
Reply
:iconmiyakosuou:
miyakosuou Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2011  Professional Writer
It's pretty, does it have a tune to go with it? I can't read music, but it would still be cool if there was...
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you! No, it doesn't really have a rhythm. Someday hopefully. Though I guess just imagine all of my songs being in the style of Symphonic Gothic Metal, because if I ever start a band, that's what I'll play. :) Well, okay, I'll just be singing and writing the lyrics, hence why I don't have a rhythm for this. I'm terrible at instruments.
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:iconmiyakosuou:
miyakosuou Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2011  Professional Writer
That's okay, it sounds cool anyway.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2011  Professional Writer
:dance:
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:iconfluffysminion:
Fluffysminion Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful, just beautiful. I can't find any fault in it.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! :D
Reply
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