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ENGLISH LANGUAGE by lombregrise

Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

Literature by Ankshi


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Submitted on
February 14, 2011
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How To Read This Song

This is a love song between my two main characters and they're both singing it. Everything in italics is sung by Violet, the girl, and everything in bold is sung by Raven, the guy. Everything in normal text (ie the chorus) is both of them singing.

**************************************************

Okay, now that we've got that down, go read it and tell me what you think. Back? Okay then. Did you like it? For some context, both characters are mages. Raven controls ice and Violet controls fire. The story climaxes in winter. Their hands are scarred due to magic used against them.

General feedback: I worked on this FOREVER. It's not perfect, but I'm satisfied with it for now and wanted to share. But please, suggest/critique me if you wish. I'm pretty sure lyrics aren't supposed to have punctuation, or am I wrong? Do you see places where I could have used a better word? Places where the flow is interrupted?

I really love feedback, so don't be shy. :love: :worship: :heart: :eager:

Violet & Raven are characters in my book series.
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:iconaqureshi1:
Aqureshi1 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013
Wow....Senpai...this is amazing!
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:iconjessbrant2005:
jessbrant2005 Featured By Owner May 2, 2012
I've never read your novel, but the song makes complete sense to me. It also reminds me of a teen romance/horror book series called Wicked Lovely.

There are a couple places where the words don't really flow, but they might depending on the rhythm. But like I said, I never read your work, so you might not be able to change it without changing the meaning of the phrase.

Before their misted imprints fade, is a genius figure of speech, but I'm not sure how well it fits in with the rest of the stanza. Maybe that can be rearranged, but I'm not an expert, either.

As the white world casts its shadow now, This line has a little bit of a rhythm difference. But I don't really think that should be changed because it sets the chorus off from the versus.

I love this song and I wish I could write as well as this. My biggest problem is fitting my stanzas together in a way that they flow. Any suggestions?
**Jess**
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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012   Writer
I've featured your pieces here! [Along with: [link] [link] and [link] I'm not going to spam you with all those messages so I just consolidated. :giggle:]

:huggle:



:heart: Stephany
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012  Professional Writer
:thanks:
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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
:hug:
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Professional Writer
:hug:
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:iconevlydia:
Evlydia Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2011  Student General Artist
It's so beautiful! :squee:

Only thing I don't understand is this "Your frosty touch..." That's Raven talking about Violet, and Violets power is fire not ice. Unless it wasn't supposed to reperesent that at all.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! :D

Yeah....the line is not perfect. She's a fire user, but her hands still get cold in the winter outside. That's what I meant, just that they're outside so her hands are cold. But it would be better if I could think of something else...
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:iconkiki0145:
kiki0145 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
its a really pretty song! I would like ask if I could use this song in our band. Just for fun! Thank you! If you say no, its ok too!
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2011  Professional Writer
Oh my gosh, really? That would be beyond awesome. Just make sure you credit me though, okay? If you make a recording or a video please upload it and send me a link! :D
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