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How To Read This Song

This is a love song between my two main characters and they're both singing it. Everything in italics is sung by Violet, the girl, and everything in bold is sung by Raven, the guy. Everything in normal text (ie the chorus) is both of them singing.

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Okay, now that we've got that down, go read it and tell me what you think. Back? Okay then. Did you like it? For some context, both characters are mages. Raven controls ice and Violet controls fire. The story climaxes in winter. Their hands are scarred due to magic used against them.

General feedback: I worked on this FOREVER. It's not perfect, but I'm satisfied with it for now and wanted to share. But please, suggest/critique me if you wish. I'm pretty sure lyrics aren't supposed to have punctuation, or am I wrong? Do you see places where I could have used a better word? Places where the flow is interrupted?

I really love feedback, so don't be shy. :love: :worship: :heart: :eager:

Violet & Raven are characters in my book series.
Comments64
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MotleyDreams's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Wow. I've never tried to write love songs (or love poetry). I'm curious if you have a tune in your head when you read this? Whether it's a real song or your own creation, I don't really care. I'm amazed you could get something like this written.

You're missing an 's' on the second chorus' first line, but other than that this looks good. Form-wise, though I'm no specialist, Raven's first stanza is a little off... not sure if you could fix it to match the pattern of Vie's first stanza, say. Not that it's necessary, but from a form standpoint it looks out of place. I like that you change it up with a "bridge" section of shorter phrases for each singer, and you've got a good bit of detail in there from your story.

I'm not entirely sure this would make sense to someone who doesn't know your novel, but that's just me. If they don't, it might come off as kinda depressing, since there's so much wintry, icy, cold dialogue and then there's the mention of scars and such. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know if it'll earn you the prize in the various contests you've entered it in.

Sorry, I can't think of anything else. But I should reiterate that I like it, and I'm very impressed. I don't think I could do something like this with any of my characters or stories.
~Marie