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December 12, 2010
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You look me over
And you turn away
You lead my heart
Into silent decay
'Cause you want something beautiful
Want something beautiful
You want something beatiful
So you look away

Well, this I call passion
This I call real
Are you ready to see me?
Are you ready to feel?
But you don't see anything
You don't see anything
No, you don't see anything
'Cause you don't see me

You speak such wise words
But won't believe what I say
Think you've got to hold out
For some brighter day
'Cause you want something real
Want something real
You want something real
But you turn away

And, this I call passion
This I call real
Are you ready to hear me?
Are you ready to feel?
But you don't hear anything
You don't hear anything
No, you don't hear anything
'Cause you don't hear me

I carry this torch
And its burning my hands
Can you see the scars now?
Do you understand?
You think I'm not good enough
Think I'm not good enough
Well, am I not good enough
To carry these scars?

This I call passion
This I call real
Are you ready to hurt me?
Are you ready to feel?
But you don't feel anything
You don't feel anything
No, you don't feel anything
'Cause you don't feel me...
Well, this one has story behind it. It's the first song I ever wrote. I wrote it at 16. See, I'd had feelings for this guy for more than a year, but he was older than me and unattainable. Everybody knew I liked him but no one ever talked about it. Then one day I had to sit there for a hour while he went on about how he could never date a high school girl because they "have no passion". Ouch. I was pretty offended, considering by that time I'd already written a book. And I assure you, that takes passion. Miraculously I held it together until I could escape to the bathroom and cry. But then I picked myself back up, realized I was almost as angry and offended as I was hurt. So I wrote this song in retaliation. I'm grateful to him, not only because I'm now happily married to someone else after being rejected, but because he gave me the inspiration to write my first song. I'd never been able to do it before, though I'd tried. So there are no hard feelings.

Considering how depressing most of my other poems are, this one is downright upbeat. It definitely has a "you tell 'em!" girl-power kind of vibe. I kind of...um..."borrowed" the tune from "So Cold In Ireland" by the Cranberries. I know if I ever want to produce this (which I do - I think it would make a really good song) I'll need to alter the melody, but if you're interested, here's a link to an audio of "So Cold In Ireland" so that you can get the gist of how it sounds when sung. [link]

I decided to post this in response to the :iconwritten-emotion: prompt: Passion. I took it as a sign that it was time to post it up. Hope you all enjoy, and please share your thoughts! :D

Entered into the :iconunique-expression: Twisted Valentines contest, because for most of my life, Valentine's Day was filled, for me, with feelings and situations like the ones portrayed in this deviation. Great theme, guys! :clap:



IMPORTANT: I put strict requirements on all of my pieces just because I don't want them to be stolen. I do plan to publish at some point. But if you'd like to draw characters, scenes, or produce any art inspired by or incorporating my work, honestly I'd be thrilled and honored! Just send me a link! :D
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:iconbranislavpavlovic:
This is really good writing and I really felt the impact because I once was in a similar situation. The repeating in the poem is a very good technique to use, because it gets out what you want to say/tell the readers.

When a person writes about feelings it some times may be hard to express what you mean through words, but, this is also one thing you managed very good.

Now I think if you continue with this kind of writing, you will create many more beauties like this one.

The only thing left for me to say is: Good work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconxinvisiblegirlx:
One thing that I really like about this piece is the way that you being the "verse" stanzas - I guess you would call them.

You look me over / And you turn away / You lead my heart / Into silent decay

You speak such wise words / But won't believe what I say / Think you've got to hold out / For some brighter day


and my favorite:

I carry this torch / And its burning my hands / Can you see the scars now? / Do you understand?

I think beginning stanzas with very powerful words is extremely interested and gets the "reader", so to speak, interested in what you have to say.

On the other hand, I think one of the weaknesses of this poem is the ending of each stanza, mainly the "chorus" section. The technique that you are using there is repitition, which can be very effective - but only if you use it properly. Here, it seems like you over do it a little - maybe you just want to use it on the "chorus" stanzas or just at the beginning or the end or any place where you feel it will have the MOST impact.

Considering this was for a promt, where you needed to use the term passion I think you did a nice job incorporating it into these lyrics. I also think you did a nice job in making these lyrics relateable - which is very important.

Overall I do think you did a great job - but there is room for improvement.

Keep writing! :D
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:iconomgpear:
omgpear Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Student Digital Artist
This is amazing. It flows beautifully and the repeat of the last three lines in each stanza makes it more emotional.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner May 7, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you so much. :)
Reply
:iconomgpear:
omgpear Featured By Owner May 11, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Welcome
Reply
:iconevlydia:
Evlydia Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Student General Artist
This is beautiful :) Poor 16 year old Rain with unrequited love. I know exactly how it feels. :iconsadtruthplz:

Also I think I'm developing insomnia. Can insomnia even be developed, or do you automatically have it?
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Professional Writer
Aww, thanks! Glad you like it. Yeah, shy girls tend to get the whole unrequited love thing. Can't imagine why. :roll: Sorry you've had it too. :(

You can definitely develop insomnia. My husband and I both have. After all, most people sleep just fine as kids but it gets worse when they're adults. But it can also go away on its own.
Reply
:iconevlydia:
Evlydia Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Student General Artist
:saddummy: I think everyone's had unrequited love. I've also been the who didn't love back. There was this kid who liked me for 5 years, maybe he still likes me I don't know. :shrug: It makes me feel bad, but I just wasn't into him.

I'm sure it doesn't help my insomnia I'm up all night on deviantart. Though when I turn off the computer and try to go to sleep, I stay up just as late because I can't sleep.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Professional Writer
You're probably right. I liked someone for six years straight once, it's rough. But I never hated him for not liking me back, I just kept hoping he'd change his mind. :shrug: So hopefully the guy doesn't hold it against you.

It probably doesn't help. But yeah, I just lay down and can't fall asleep at all sometimes. They say if that happens you should get up and keep the light low and do something relaxing, like read a book. TV and computer are bad though, because there's too much light. I've also heard that counting backwards from 100 by threes works, because it occupies your entire mind so your thoughts can't race (that's what keeps me up), but I can't try it because I suck so badly at math that it would just make me more stressed.

...I'm probably not helping you get to bed by replying to your comments...
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:iconevlydia:
Evlydia Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Student General Artist
I actually went to bed before you sent these. It's giving me a good start to my morning. :nod:

I think he does hold it against me. He got a little obsessive and I had to make it end for good. He kept stalking me on facebook and he was really rude to my friends.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Professional Writer
Well, that makes sense. I tend to have terrible timing. :shrug:

That's no good. But you know, that's his fault.
Reply
:iconevlydia:
Evlydia Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011  Student General Artist
Yeah, I both hinted and told him several times to back off, yet he didn't.
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