literature

The Ballad of Serenity

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LadyofGaerdon's avatar
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Literature Text

A nightingale in a birch nearby,
sang a song that made her cry.
"Another note and I shall die!"
Her threat was met with no reply.

And so she rested by the stream,
and heard the crickets softly dream.
She watched the cattails kiss the stars,
believing heaven not so far.

"And here is where I shall be free,"
whispered fair Serenity.

The orphaned child, the strange young girl
born into an ancient world.
No elegance or skill had she
but the ballad, of Serenity.

She was cursed with just one song:
a ballad haunting, soft and long.
The words were never hers to hear,
but danced always beyond her ear.
On harp, flute, lyre she wiled away,
the notes that only she could play.

Yet she grew tried of just one song
and ran away before too long,
into a wood with stream of gold
where rumored lived the bards of old.
She found the caves of deepest blue
and told them, "I have searched for you."

Serenity the bards admired.
They gave to her the sacred lyre,
which bound her soul between its strings,
to find the words she could not sing.

And as she played for all around
the fire, a young bard heard the sound.
Enchanted, stole a glance, a smile
as she played there all the while.

And as she played she glimpsed his face,
the deep blue eyes of deepest grace.
The youngest bard among the clan,
she knew she'd have no other man.

He saw her face, her eyes, her hair.
He glimpsed what beauty might be there.
He heard her voice and watched her hands,
the finest skilled in all the land
He saw not what was in her heart,
but only what kept them apart.

So he grew tired of just one song
and broke the lyre before too long.
He said, "What sorcery holds you?
That you must play the way you do?
One song, one song for all your life?"

Serenity could not reply
and merely watched the lyre float by,
carried away down the river gold
into mysteries untold.

And from the lyre's broken strings
stolen, her voice began to sing,
those words that she had never known,
to the ballad that was hers alone.

And so she came to realize
her ballad told her own demise.

"Just one reason I should stay,
And I shall remain for all my days."
His words found echo in her mind,
but her own words she could not find.

Her voice was broken as the lyre.
Her throat burned raw with ancient fire.

She tried to speak with hands, with eyes,
but he was blind to all her cries.
He left the stream, he left the lyre,
he took with him her one desire.

He left her with no other word
and she never knew if he had heard.


copyright 2010 Julia Rain Jeys Wellman
"WHY IS THIS POPPING UP IN MY DEVWATCH!?" - you might be asking. And you have every right. Well, it's popping up because I need a little bit of help with it. A simple question, that will help me immensely. I really think this poem is my best work, and I want to make it as good as it can be, and then try to promote it a bit more in contests and such. I've made some other tweaks, which you're welcome to comment on, but my major question is this (also applies to people reading this from :iconwriterspen: or :iconeditorialsquad: or anywhere else, really.) :)

"And from the lyre's broken strings
stolen, her voice began to sing,
those words that she had never known,
to the ballad that was hers alone.

And so she came to realize
Her ballad was her own demise."


So that's a new stanza, and I quite like it, but I'm struggling over word choice in the last line. I need to get across that the ballad itself, the song and the words, tell Serenity's story, and therefore tell of her own demise. And also, her ability to play the ballad was her own undoing. Does the last line make that clear? Or should I change "was" to "told" or "played" or "sang" and something else? Comments greatly appreciated. Thanks guys!



I think it might be done now. I can't thank you enough for all of your help, everyone! :tighthug: Though, I am always looking to improve, so if you see something you feel needs fixed, don't hesitate to tell me. :D


Well guys, you seemed to like my poetry so here's another one. I'm rather proud of this one. It's a little different. Please tell me your thoughts - let me know if the story makes sense and what your favorite part is, at least.

When I imagine it I see a gold glow surrounding everything, but darkness just beyond. I so wish I could draw it because the image is so beautiful in my mind. I hope I've at least brought it to life with my words....though if you'd like to see my attempt at painting it, here it is. I suggest you don't click on it, though. The thumbnail gives the overall impression, and helps hide the lack of technical skill.

If you liked this, you should go and read by :iconskiniminni: She wrote it as a tribute to this poem and it is really, really good.

Also, ~ReinaHW left a lovely comment on it, which I'd like to share: "All we ever truly have within us is one song, it builds and grows as we get older, but it's always just one song."

Well said.


For Author's Corner contest [link]
Genre: Emotional Fantasy Romance
Song and Artist that you listened to whilst creating the piece: "Caged" by Within Temptation
What inspired the work: I dreamed it. I suppose I was inspired by lovely music that I cannot make. So I wondered if such a gift could be a curse, in a way.

Submitted to the :iconrawem0tion: prompt: Love Feels Like Heaven & Hurts Like Hell.



All of my work is copyright protected. And stuff.
***************************************************
on 3/7/2011! Thanks so much to *apple-dark for featuring me!
Comments259
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VicariouSoul's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

The cons first:

The mixture of Quatrains (4-line stanzas) and Sestets (6-line stanzas) with one Quintain (5-line stanzas) becomes very displeasing to the eye when reading this poem. This sometimes wreaks havoc on poets. They have a set pattern and structure in mind yet they tend to stray from it and end up writing in other random stanza setups. It is what I call ‘Writer’s Hysteria’ trying to go in all directions at once, and it tends to become very obvious to your audience.

Even if your intent was to write in all these stanza setups at once, it doesn’t look appealing. Sure, it shows your expertise that you’re capable of writing in other forms with different formalities, etc. but not every setup thrown together is going to make for a good mix! It is a guilty pleasure at best. You’re never the only one. I too have been reprimanded, if you will, many times in works I thought my best and have been greatly criticized by viewers for the same thing. That said it has helped me. Since then I have grown with much stimulation in my work to be more consistent with everything I write.

Now for the pros:

The content each stanza bears remains steady and thought out well with a persistent rhyme scheme, which contradicts the uncertainty in your stanza layout. It makes up for the absent stableness and creates a sense of balance. I like this! The way you rhyme is daring, for lack of a better way of putting it. It is not every day I see those who write poetry do it in such bold manner so as to challenge themselves, sometimes so greatly you question your own wits. You’re an undisciplined writer and I love it! This is no insult. You’re free but you know how to make what you write sound very good, even if it’s not exactly proper. It is this I admire most.

Conclusively, don’t throw too much of your genius away for what others have to say. Preserve it! It is good to care a little for what others have to say to improve, but to care too much is bad. Every Artist is known to be unique in some way, but they tend to be pressured by the etiquette of what’s proper. Too proper is bad. The best of work is produced when a few gemstones of flaws are thrown in. I say this because you have much going for you and wouldn’t like to see you make the same mistake as others do and have done via our forefathers.



Thank You for sharing your time and words!
VicariouSoul