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March 13, 2012
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Today, I Am Still There

Tue Mar 13, 2012, 6:21 PM

Today the wind is warm

and carries scents that spark my memory.

Today, I am not here.


On a day much like this

I shattered my spirit;

splintered shards slid from my spine,

through shattered vertebrae,

and clung to cracks in walls,

then scattered on the wind. 


Today I can feel those fragments,

I can smell it in the musty scent of books

that takes me back to the house made of paper and words.

Some fragment would remain there, I know, 

even if not for the fall.


Today I smell roses,

I feel warmth against my skin,

and hear birds chirping hymns to the spring;

sometimes I can almost hear 

footsteps on the deck,

and I wonder

if I even miss the sun.

Today, I am still there. 


Today I can feel wind in my hair,

and if I close my eyes,

I can catch that fragment that still flies,

zipping past the sidewalks

on legs strong above the blades.

Today, I ride the wheels I long for.


I've always heard I was was an air spirit;

sound and scent my guides,

and today I remember the air

that held me up and watched me soar.

Today, I am still there.

Today I am free.


Today the water in my blood

is filled with salt,

and I inhale deeply,

supposing I can taste the sea spray

dancing on the breeze.


Landlocked, the relentless tide still pulls me,

and my lungs long to be flooded with mist

my ears with the roar of the waves;

called by a lost shard of soul

I cast long ago to the sea.


I've always thought

the soul was like a candle - 

lighting another

does not detract from the whole

for they are still part of the same flame.


But I've never been any good

with fire. 




cast your eyes on the ocean
cast your soul to the sea
when the dark night seems endless
please remember me...

"Dante's Prayer" - Loreena McKennit

So much of what I miss about home, doesn't even exist for me anymore...

Daylight savings time plus an unusually warm day = nostalgia. God, I miss home. I miss the old me. I miss rollerblading (yes, that's what I meant by "blades"), I miss my dad's house, I miss the sea. Honestly, my soul would have shattered in order to keep a piece of me in all these places I love, even if my back hadn't been shattered too. Guess that just simplified matters. But perhaps I would not be as scattered had my back not shattered...I guess I'll never know.

I truly believe that a part of your soul does remain in places you feel deeply connected to. And I believe that you maintain strong connections with those places, because, like fire, your soul can light another candle from itself, and never lose its light. But sometimes, connections can still make you feel empty.

So anyway. Hadn't written anything in a while and this popped into my head so I wrote it down. Do you like it? Is it hard to understand? What parts (if any) are unclear? What is the overall impression you're left with after reading? What overall emotion? How is the flow? The word choice? Which is the strongest stanza? The weakest? And any other thoughts you'd like to add, I'd love to hear them. I may not respond immediately, but I will read and respond, I promise. :dalove:
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:iconjerrylangdon:
Hello, I am from :iconthecritiquables: with my critique on this piece.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. Although I had to read it quite a few times. One to catch the essence, and second to understand where this was leading me as a reader. I admit reading it four times now. Every reading drew me to a different conclusion, plummeting me into different thoughts. That is very rare. Making the theme very original and captivating.
I did find what I am sure is a typo. In the 6th stanza first line. The double use of was " I've always heard I was was an air spirit;

This poem was excellently written, drawing the reader into a world of memories, aromatic places, a true soul wandering.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcadeauxcdx:
Critique by CadeauxCDX Sep 4, 2013, 7:01:36 PM
Let me just start by saying that I read this poem about 10 times before writing this. That in itself is a rarity, I kept feeling there was more to get out of it. I loved the beginning and ending, it always good to have really money bookends to a piece. The repetition of the "today" theme you had going wasn't intrusive and helped the poem flow along.

I especially though the 8th stanza was genius and ending with "I cast long ago to the sea" was ace. The imagery is fantastic and there are some really vivid images that grab you.

However, I will say that it did wash over me a bit at times and I would lose my way. Maybe if you added a little more impact through the middle of the poem that might help as the beginning and ending is ace. Well written though and original.

Keep it up!
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Student Writer
I am baffled by your sense of poetry. It's fantastic. Have you ever thought about submitting your poetry to magazines and the like?
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Professional Writer
Aww you're so kind! I've thought about it, yeah, but honestly I wouldn't know where to start! :faint: I have been contemplating self-publishing a book of poetry, though.
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Student Writer
Good luck! (psst here's something you could enter: [link] I think you'd have a good chance of winning. I'm going to enter too, but I'm not a good enough poet yet XP)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Professional Writer
Ooh thanks for the link! This could be really, really promising! :heart:

Don't count yourself out though! If you want to be better at poetry, check out some writing guides, submit to critique groups, and so on. :)
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome :D

Thanks :D
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Professional Writer
:D
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:iconmind-of-theo:
Mind-Of-Theo Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012
I love it! In terms of understanding, it isn't difficult to understand either. The overall impression I got from it was someone remembering an event from their past. Day dreaming. Deja vu. Nostalgia. They had a moment, a brief one, where for some reason, some outside source connected with a strong memory they were having at that exact moment took them to a place long ago that they wished to be. The flow was amazing also, and after reading your comments on the poem, I can sort of see how the poem possibly connects with an event that has happened to you(?).
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you! Your interpretation is spot-on. I had a traumatic accident eight years ago, and afterward I moved 3,000 miles away. So my life dramatically changed, and I miss my old life. Sometimes the strangest things will remind me of moments I once had, and that was the inspiration for the poem.
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:iconvenneta:
Venneta Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I always love your writing .. :heart: Very beautiful
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
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