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January 29, 2012
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...scattered on the wind

Journal Entry: Sun Jan 29, 2012, 12:41 AM
We drive the path of thorns
through dark summer streets,
stagnant air shifted
by rolled down windows, speeding.

My head in his lap,
his eyes curious upon me,
I sing.

She, ahead of me,
notes drifting back,
entwine our rising voices.

Both their eyes upon my face,
and with soft, endearing notes,
seamless terms -
she gives me away...

to him.


I'd like it if you read the poem before the artist comments! Come on, it's short! I want to know what you think before I explain it.

First entry for the :iconeliteliterature: Publishing Opportunity Looking for inspiration, I ran across the :iconhammeredpoetry: prompt Extraordinary Words which asked us to write a poem capturing an extraordinary moment in only 60 words.

The memory I thought of immediately involved the night of May 31st, 2004. I was 17 and I had just met my boyfriend (now husband) and he and my best friend and her boyfriend at the time had been hanging out all day, ending with the country fair. Near midnight, on the way home from the fair, I was in the back laying on my husband's lap singing softly to the cd playing, because I used to be brave like that, and Sarah McLachlan's The Path of Thorns came on. The song has always been special to my best friend and I. Sadly it summed up our luck in relationships to always care more than we are cared about. I started singing, and I could hear my best friend singing too, in the passenger seat. She turned around and looked at me, and we both started singing together. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it, and kept looking from one to the other of us, as we sang. He didn't know what was happening, but he knew it was something important. She and I smiled at each other and kept singing. And it was like...like she was telling me it was okay. It didn't matter that I'd never had a boyfriend before, and it was weird for both of us, since all my time and efforts had previously been devoted to her. It didn't matter that she and I had been estranged for the past few months, due to some stupid disagreement, and had only just begun hanging out again, and there I was dating right in the middle of that. It didn't matter that I was inexperienced and how no idea how to divide my time properly between friend and boyfriend. It didn't matter that my mother disapproved of them both. It didn't matter that I was going away for the summer.

In that one perfect moment, it was all okay. She assured me it would all be okay, and I thanked her. In that moment, nothing was said, and so much was said. We commiserated our fates, and she was genuinely happy that my fortunes had changed for the better. It was the 11th day I'd known him, and that night I knew for certain I was in love with him. And 21 days later, I could no longer walk. Three months after that, and she was gone from my life.

And here we are now. He and I are married, she and I have found and lost each other all over again. But for that one moment, that one perfect moment, all that mattered was that I was with two of the people I loved most in the world, and I was truly, truly happy...

I want to show you the lyrics to the song. I incorporated them somewhat:

I knew you wanted to tell me
In your voice there was something wrong
But if you would turn your face away from me
You cannot tell me you're so strong
Just let me ask of you one small thing
As we have shared so many tears
With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long
Now are scattered on the wind...

[CHORUS]

In the terms of endearment
In the terms of the life that you love
In the terms of the years that pass you by
In the terms of the reasons why

Through the years I've grown to love you
Though your commitment to most would offend
But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
Waiting for you to give in...
You never really tried or so it seems
I've had much more than myself to blame
I've had enough of trying everything
And this time it is the end...

[CHORUS]

There's no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the life-blood from your naked eyes
Cast aside to be forlorn...

[CHORUS]

Funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do
Seemed to make no difference to you at all...



Submitted to the :iconrawem0tion: prompt Love And Letting Go

Anyway. I'd love to know what you guys think, if you read the poem before the artist comments, and what you think of it if you read it again in the context of the artist comments. How much of the story got across? What was your impression before you read the artist comments? I really need help with tense here. Right now, it's third person. I wrote it addressing him, and also addressing her. Which should I use? I am at a loss.

Thanks for reading! :heart:
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:iconaqureshi1:
Aqureshi1 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
Wow........
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Although this piece is rather short compared to the usual poetry I enjoy, you've managed to tell an entire love story in so few words... which attests to your skill as a writer. My first thought is that this is a reminiscence of a happy wedding day. Your love for the man is apparent - and the fact that you can convey that emotion in a way that allows me to feel it too is simply... lovely.

Thanks so much for sharing, dearie. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you so much. :hug:
Reply
:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
So wonderful! I loved it. <3
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Professional Writer
Maddy! Hey! Nice to hear from you. Glad you like this one. :)
Reply
:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:D I'll read the rest of your stuff soon i have 12 more to read! :D
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Professional Writer
hehe...you don't have to, but I appreciate it. :)
Reply
:iconmaddyjordan:
MaddyJordan Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know I don't but I'm going to! <3
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012  Professional Writer
:glomp:
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
idk why but this line seems to throw me off

by rolled down windows, speeding

maybe it's just me, perhaps I am not use to this type or style.
Reply
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